What I wouldn't do for a crystal ball right now. I would love to look ahead and see what my life will look like in five or ten years. I want to know what my family will look like. So much of my stress and anxiety is spent worrying and wondering what direction my life is heading. Will I ever have another healthy baby again?
If the
answer is yes, I could rejoice. I could relax and celebrate in knowing
that we will once again experience the miracle of giving birth to a
healthy beautiful baby. I could relish these last few months/years of
having my daughter as my only child. Truly engaging in my life as it is and enjoying every moment. I could stop the constant worry
and wondering if she is it. I could breath a sigh of relief and relax.
I could move forward with my life.
If the answer is no, I could handle that. I could grieve a little bit more and start to focus on enjoying my family of three. I could really spend every moment just enjoying where we are and taking in everything. I could stop wondering when I ovulated and when I should take a pregnancy test. I could prepare myself for mothering an only child and stop worrying about how old she'll be when we bring a new baby home. I could plan trips, big trips. Not having to wonder if I might be pregnant and if I'll be on bed rest. I could give away our enormous stock pile of baby gear. Empty the nursery and turn it into a reading room. I could drink wine whenever I wanted to and not worry if I am maybe 3-4 weeks pregnant. I could move forward with my life.
Instead I am stuck in the wondering. In my mind I am constantly bouncing back and forth between two people. The person that will once again welcome a baby into our family and the person that has to accept that our family is complete. I know there is no real reason to believe that I will not be able to have another baby. I have done it once, very successfully in my opinion. I carried a baby to 39 weeks with no problems. But it's so hard to forget the other pregnancies. The three pregnancies, four babies that ended with empty arms and tears.
