Time Line of Grief

Micah and I were recently asked when we would be ready to handle a family get together.  With all sincerity they wanted a date.  Like we have a time line of our grief.  They hoped we could look at our calendar and point to a date in the near future and say "Okay, it looks like November 16th works for us".  I wish I could give such an answer.  I wish I could forecast when we will be ready to have a normal family event without breaking down.  The real answer is I don't know.
I honestly can't imagine a time that I can suppress the sadness, anxiety, jealousy, and fear that come along with being in a social setting.  Right now it takes all the strength I have to get through a trip to the grocery store.  Just this week I sobbed at the park after seeing a happy pregnant mom.  I can't stand all the people around us getting on with their lives.  Going about their normal days completely oblivious to the pain that surrounds us every day.  
Some days are better than others.  Some days I only cry a little bit.  Some days I can focus on the positive aspects of my life.  I can enjoy my daughter and be thankful for what I have.  Other days it feels like I am stuck in despair.  I wallow in my sadness and let the tears flow.  I allow myself to experience all of the anger and depression.  The dark moments come and go.  I remind myself of what my Mom told me, "You will never get over this, but you will get through it".  I am getting through it.
When will I be ready to handle big events?  I don't know.  Maybe in three months, maybe in a year.  I know that with time I will heal.  I know that James and Penelope are a part of me and someday I will talk about them without crying.  I know that many families have gone through this same grief.  I know that I will find peace.  I also know that I have yet to come to that place.
Our son and daughter were due to arrive into this world right around Thanksgiving.  When I was pregnant I would often imagine our future.  Two newborn babies at Christmas time, two chubby six month old babies come summer time and a wonderful big sister through it all.  This year we will get through Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I will shop for friends and family and relish in the joy of watching our daughter open gifts and spend time with loved ones.  But I know there will be a big empty hole. 
There is no timeline for grief.  Every loss is different and every person goes through it in their own way.  I know Micah and I will go through different phases at different times.  The hardest part is that there is no goal to look forward to.  There is no "I am over it" place that we will reach.  But we will get through it, together and alone.

Our Birth Story

The day before we had our twins was a normal Saturday.  We took our one and half year old daughter Gwenevere to the Potter Park Zoo with my parents and we all had a wonderful time.  Gwenevere especially enjoyed seeing the Chuckwalla as well as the Meer Cats and Peacocks.  I had to take breaks often as I was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions.  I wasn't concerned since I had experienced frequent Braxton Hicks throughout my pregnancy with Gwenenvere. That night after we had tucked our daughter into bed Micah and I sat on the couch and he rested his hand on my belly.  We both felt Penelope wiggling around up high near my rib cage and James gave us a big kick down low on my left side.  That night after I fell asleep I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I noticed some mild cramping.  I wasn't too concerned and I fell back asleep.

The following morning I woke up and still felt cramps.  I didn't think it could be anything too serious but I wanted to call my Doctor just in case.  I called the on call OB as it was a Sunday and waited on the couch for a call back while Micah and Gwenevere played outside.  The Doctor called me back within a half hour and instructed me to go to the hospital to get checked out.  My mouth went dry and my stomach dropped.  I hoped nothing was really wrong, but I felt scared.  I got dressed and called for Micah and Gwenevere to get ready, we were going to the hospital.  On the way to the hospital the car was silent except for some singing and chatting in the back seat from our daughter. 

Once we arrived at Sparrow Hospital they got us checked in and put us in a triage room.  The nurse came in and after several minutes of searching was able to find both babies' heartbeats.  I didn't know that this would be the last time I would ever hear that beautiful sound.  They hooked me up to a monitor and we waited.  Micah and Gwenevere sat in a chair and watched TV while Gwenevere snacked on some Pirate Booty.  She began to get restless so Micah took her out to run around.  One of the Resident Doctors came in to to check me.  She began the exam and quickly stopped.  She calmly explained to me that one of the babies' amniotic sacs had prolapsed and was bulging out past my cervix.  She said that she wasn't sure why it was happening but she explained that we did nothing that our twins would be born in the next few days.  She also explained that because I was only 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant they would certainly not survive.  They tilted my bed so that my feet were above my head in hopes that the sac would go back inside the cervix.  Micah and Gwenevere came back in our room and I began to sob while trying to explain to Micah what was going on.  He again left the room to contact my parents so they could pick up Gwenevere.

My family all came to the hospital.  My Mom, Dad and sister Anna were all there.  My Dad took Gwenevere home with him and my Mom and Anna stayed with Micah and me.  They decided to do an ultrasound to check on our twins and also to get a better idea as to what was going on.  Before I was wheeled down they gave me a medication to hopefully stop any contractions.  By the time the ultrasound tech was ready for us my contractions had begun to get more intense and more frequent.  She had me roll onto my back and all throughout the ultrasound my contractions were coming faster and stronger, about every 2-3 minutes.  I could barely bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen.  I knew our babies were strong and healthy, but not strong enough to survive being born.  When the tech was done they wheeled me back upstairs to our triage room.  

Once we were back in triage the on call OB had arrived and started discussing all of our options with us.  He kept saying "If you were just two weeks further along we could...", it was so painful to hear that if only this had happened a couple of weeks later we might be in a different boat.  We knew that at 22 weeks they had a zero chance of survival and wanted to do everything we could to stop labor.  They told me that they would do what they could but that labor is like a snowball rolling down a hill, sometimes it gets too far along to stop. The OB offered trying an IV of Magnesium Sulfate which had some potential risks to me, but I didn't care.  I told them to start it right away.  They moved us all to a Labor and Delivery room and started me on the Magnesium Sulfate.  Within several minutes my contractions slowed and seemed to stop.  For about an hour we once again had hope that our precious babies might make it.  After a little more than an hour I felt a mild contractions, then another.  Suddenly labor picked right back up where it had left off.  Strong contractions every 2 minutes and I was feeling an urge to push.  I said to Micah and the Doctor that I knew our babies were coming.  They stopped the IV and tilted my bed back to a normal position.  I held Micah's hand and my sister's hand to help get through the contractions, but I didn't want to deal with the physical pain anymore.  I asked for an epidural and shortly after the Anesthesiologist was in our room.  She had me sign a form and then administered my epidural.

Not long after I got the epidural I felt strong pressure.  I reached down and I could feel something coming out.  It was our son still in his amniotic sac.  We called for the Doctors and they helped me deliver our son. He was born at 7:05pm and he weighed 1lb. 4oz.  The Doctor asked what his name was.  Micah and I hadn't decided on a name yet, but we had liked James as it is Micah's middle name.  We quickly agreed that our son's name was James.  He was handed to me wrapped in a blanket.  He was moving around and I could see him opening and closing his tiny hands.  I held him close to me and told him over and over how much I loved him.  Micah and I both kissed his warm soft cheeks and we cried our tears onto him.  I couldn't believe how beautiful he was, he even had a full head of dark hair.  Even at just 22 weeks he was one of the cutest babies I had ever seen.  After a while of holding him I passed James over to Micah and he sat and held him.  Several minutes later James died in Micah's arms.  Soon after it was time to deliver our daughter. She was born at 7:40 pm and weighed just over 1lb.  She was a little smaller than James, but she looked just as beautiful and perfect.  Unlike her brother she didn't have any hair, just a bald little head.  I got to hold her right away.  Micah and I decided to name her Penelope.  She gently wiggled in my arms and we told her how much we loved her.  I savored every moment with her and I couldn't believe how much I loved her already.   I kept telling her how sorry I was.  After a while I passed her to Micah and he held her and whispered loving words to her as she died in his arms.
 

Looking back on James and Penelope's birthday I am thankful for many things.  I am thankful that my Mom, Dad & Sister got to witness the birth of our beautiful son and daughter.  I am thankful that we got to hold them and tell them how much we loved them.  I am thankful that James and Penelope died in the loving arms of the Dad, I can't imagine a warmer or safer place to die.  I am thankful that their death was peaceful.  I am thankful that even though it was only for a short time, we got to meet them.  There are so many things I wish I could change.  I wish I was still pregnant.  I wish we were painting their nursery instead of packing away baby items.  I wish Gwenevere could have met her brother and sister.  I wish they could all grow up together.  Every day I try to remember to good things, the things that I am thankful for instead of the things that I can't change.

Our Dearest Penelope & James

Our Dearest Penelope & James,

We loved you from the moment we knew of your existence.  With each day that passed our love for you grew.  We looked forward to seeing you wiggling around on the ultrasound screen at the Doctor’s office and hearing your little hearts beat was music to our ears. As you got bigger feeling your kicks and punches through your Mom’s stomach was amazing.  We couldn’t believe how lucky we were to be blessed with two babies.

The time you spend in our lives was short, but the impact you had on our hearts was immense.  The moment you were born you were placed in the loving arms of your mother.  We whispered to you how much we loved you and kissed your sweet faces.  You left this world in the loving arms of your father.   If you experienced nothing else in your short life, we hope you felt our intense love for you.

We mourn your death.  We are saddened that we don’t get to watch you grow up and get to know you. We also mourn for our family.  Gwenevere will never have the joy of playing with her little brother and sister.  Our parents have lost two of their precious grandchildren.  Our siblings have lost a niece and a nephew.  So many lives have been touched.  You have so many special people that love you.

In these past days we think of you often.  Your sweet spirits have touched us in a way that we will never forget.  We love you now and always, you are our daughter and son and no amount of days passing will ever change that.  Our dearest James & Penelope, know that you are loved.

Mom & Dad