To anyone that is still reading my blog I just want to say thank you. It means so much to me that you have continued to be part of my healing process. Yesterday marked nine months since I said goodbye to my son and daughter. I really don't think I could have gotten through the past nine months without the love and support I have received.
Before suffering my losses I never really had an appreciation for the pain of losing a pregnancy. I wish that nobody had to go through what I have experienced, but unfortunately I know that many families have and will go through a similar loss. For those of you that have never lost a pregnancy or child I hope you never do. For those of you that have I grieve with you.
I had the misfortune of an ignorant question today. I was getting my blood pressure taken at the Doctor's office this afternoon and a woman asked me if I had any children. This is always a difficult question for me to answer but today I chose to tell her that I had a daughter that was two and half years old. I didn't have the strength to give a complete answer. She quickly responded by asking if I was planning on having any more and I told her that I had twins last year that died at birth so I wasn't sure when I would be ready to try again. She didn't skip a beat and she proceeded to tell me about her friend that had a miscarriage and then had triplets. She made it very clear that she would never want triplets, it would just be too much to handle. I smiled and replied that yes, three babies would keep you quite busy. I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell at her and tell her how insensitive she was being. Instead I kept quiet.
I don't know what I should expect from people. I know that everyone asks "What do you do for a living?" and "Do you have any children?", it's just normal conversation. I will have to always carefully select what my response is. Am I in the mood to ruin someone's day or not? My husband always jokes that our story is a real room killer. He has meetings at work and sometimes they ask everyone to share something unique about themselves. Micah sure could bring the meeting to an awkward silence by saying "I have two dead children" at his turn. Probably not socially acceptable.
I guess my point is that I hope by sharing my ongoing story I have shared a sense of sensitivity. Everyone has a story and some are too painful to share. I will continue to be honest and share as much as I can. I hope that I can do my part to help break the silence of miscarriage and infant loss. It is something that one out of four women experience and it deserves to be talked about.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Mother's Day
With Mother's Day looming closer and closer I am reminded of past Mother's Days. Last year Gwenevere was 17 months old and still toddling around. I was about 10 weeks pregnant and feeling as nauseated as the day is long. We had found out about two weeks before that not only was I pregnant, but I was carrying twins. I was just starting to really process the information and I was getting truly excited. But more than anything I felt pregnancy sickness.
Micah and I went to the Kellogg Center for brunch with my parents and Gwenevere in tow. I remember looking at all the food and wondering if I could keep any of it down. I was well into the Zofran phase of my pregnancy, but it still wasn't enough to stop the nausea. I nibbled on a couple pieces of fruit and crackers while everyone else enjoyed a delicious meal. Gwenevere ate pretty well and finished off her meal by scarfing down two cupcakes. I remember wanting to enjoy the day, but just feeling so sick.
Technically speaking, this will be my 4th Mother's Day, if you are allowing me to count the Mother's Day that I spent pregnant with Gwenevere. I remember feeling awful that day as well. The Mother's Day after that Gwenevere was five months old. She was an amazing baby and I was so happy to have been blessed to be her Mom. We went out to brunch that day at Troppo's and I brought along a pumped breast milk bottle for her lunch. I remember we all took turns holding her throughout our meal, passing her around like the bread basket as we took turns eating. This year will be my first Mother's Day that I am neither pregnant or breastfeeding. I am baby free.
With this day to celebrate Motherhood approaching I have struggled. It should be a happy day, but for many of us it comes with sadness. Not only do I think about my losses, I think of all the other women that have lost a child, or that have struggled with infertility. I think of all the people who have lost their own mother. What a difficult day this can be.
Instead of dwelling on the fact that two of my children are gone this year I am going to celebrate. I am going to celebrate being a Mom, and a pretty good one at that. I am going to celebrate my Mom, who happens to be one of the best Mom's I know. I am going to celebrate how lucky I am to have been raised by such a loving, caring, understanding, smart, kind, and all around awesome Mom. I am going to spend some time thinking about how I hope to be half the Mom she is. She raised two daughters, and while neither of us it perfect, we turned out pretty well. I am so thankful that she is able to be not only my Mom, but a Nana to my daughter. So this year we will go out to brunch and have fun. No nausea, no breast milk, just two great Moms.
Micah and I went to the Kellogg Center for brunch with my parents and Gwenevere in tow. I remember looking at all the food and wondering if I could keep any of it down. I was well into the Zofran phase of my pregnancy, but it still wasn't enough to stop the nausea. I nibbled on a couple pieces of fruit and crackers while everyone else enjoyed a delicious meal. Gwenevere ate pretty well and finished off her meal by scarfing down two cupcakes. I remember wanting to enjoy the day, but just feeling so sick.
Technically speaking, this will be my 4th Mother's Day, if you are allowing me to count the Mother's Day that I spent pregnant with Gwenevere. I remember feeling awful that day as well. The Mother's Day after that Gwenevere was five months old. She was an amazing baby and I was so happy to have been blessed to be her Mom. We went out to brunch that day at Troppo's and I brought along a pumped breast milk bottle for her lunch. I remember we all took turns holding her throughout our meal, passing her around like the bread basket as we took turns eating. This year will be my first Mother's Day that I am neither pregnant or breastfeeding. I am baby free.
With this day to celebrate Motherhood approaching I have struggled. It should be a happy day, but for many of us it comes with sadness. Not only do I think about my losses, I think of all the other women that have lost a child, or that have struggled with infertility. I think of all the people who have lost their own mother. What a difficult day this can be.
Instead of dwelling on the fact that two of my children are gone this year I am going to celebrate. I am going to celebrate being a Mom, and a pretty good one at that. I am going to celebrate my Mom, who happens to be one of the best Mom's I know. I am going to celebrate how lucky I am to have been raised by such a loving, caring, understanding, smart, kind, and all around awesome Mom. I am going to spend some time thinking about how I hope to be half the Mom she is. She raised two daughters, and while neither of us it perfect, we turned out pretty well. I am so thankful that she is able to be not only my Mom, but a Nana to my daughter. So this year we will go out to brunch and have fun. No nausea, no breast milk, just two great Moms.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Balancing Act
Last night I climbed into bed with Gwenevere and Micah to read books. It's our nighttime routine and we always read at least six books. I gathered up several books and set them down on the bed next to my daughter. The book on top was titled "We Were Going To Have a Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead". Gwenevere saw the book and she started to whine. "Mommy no! I don't like that book, it's too sad". I swallowed the lump in my throat and I set the book on the floor and picked up "Green Eggs and Ham" instead.
Overall I would consider myself to be a very confident parent. I have a degree in Child Development and I have worked with infants and toddlers for over a decade. I am trained in infant and child CPR and I when it comes to cranky kids I know all the tricks. Since the day we brought Gwenevere home from the hospital I have been confident that Micah and I are doing a good job. This is not to say that I don't have my doubts and concerns like every other parent, I do. I also know that we are good parents and we are doing the best we can. When Penelope and James died I found myself for the first time really doubting my parenting skills.
I don't know what is appropriate to share with toddlers when it comes to death. I know that I wouldn't want to lie about it, but I also don't want to instill a sense of fear. Everyone dies, that's the truth. Somehow that seems like a pretty intense concept to teach a two year old. I want my daughter to know that she has a brother and sister. I want her to know how much they are loved and missed. I don't want her to think that it's bad to talk about them because it makes her Mommy cry. I just don't know what to do.
Micah and I decided that even though James and Penelope are dead they are still part of our family. We have pictures of them in our house, we even have them in our house (in urns). Gwenevere has named two of her stuffed animals after them. We talk about them and sometimes cry. I feel like I don't really know how to grieve in front of my own child, but I'm doing the best I can. I want her to understand that it's okay to cry when we are sad. I know she will never feel the sadness that I feel for them. She won't miss them the same way that I do. She may never even understand.
I feel like it's a constant balancing act. I want to keep the memory alive of my son and daughter, but I also want to be a good Mom that is present for my living child. Most days I get through without crying now. But some days I cry. When I do cry I can see a look of concern in Gwenevere's eyes. That makes me sad. I am the parent, she shouldn't have to worry about me. I don't know if what we're doing is really what's best, but it's all we know. Gwenevere has a brother and sister that died and I am not going to pretend like they were never here. Like every other parent, I am trying my best.
Overall I would consider myself to be a very confident parent. I have a degree in Child Development and I have worked with infants and toddlers for over a decade. I am trained in infant and child CPR and I when it comes to cranky kids I know all the tricks. Since the day we brought Gwenevere home from the hospital I have been confident that Micah and I are doing a good job. This is not to say that I don't have my doubts and concerns like every other parent, I do. I also know that we are good parents and we are doing the best we can. When Penelope and James died I found myself for the first time really doubting my parenting skills.
I don't know what is appropriate to share with toddlers when it comes to death. I know that I wouldn't want to lie about it, but I also don't want to instill a sense of fear. Everyone dies, that's the truth. Somehow that seems like a pretty intense concept to teach a two year old. I want my daughter to know that she has a brother and sister. I want her to know how much they are loved and missed. I don't want her to think that it's bad to talk about them because it makes her Mommy cry. I just don't know what to do.
Micah and I decided that even though James and Penelope are dead they are still part of our family. We have pictures of them in our house, we even have them in our house (in urns). Gwenevere has named two of her stuffed animals after them. We talk about them and sometimes cry. I feel like I don't really know how to grieve in front of my own child, but I'm doing the best I can. I want her to understand that it's okay to cry when we are sad. I know she will never feel the sadness that I feel for them. She won't miss them the same way that I do. She may never even understand.
I feel like it's a constant balancing act. I want to keep the memory alive of my son and daughter, but I also want to be a good Mom that is present for my living child. Most days I get through without crying now. But some days I cry. When I do cry I can see a look of concern in Gwenevere's eyes. That makes me sad. I am the parent, she shouldn't have to worry about me. I don't know if what we're doing is really what's best, but it's all we know. Gwenevere has a brother and sister that died and I am not going to pretend like they were never here. Like every other parent, I am trying my best.
Monday, April 22, 2013
The Stork
Even as a young child I thought the idea of the Stork was a ridiculous concept. Who ever came up with the idea that a bird would drop off a baby on your doorstep? Now, as an adult I can see the appeal. You just live your life and one day you open your door and BAM, you have a baby. I wish it was that easy.
Lately I have had baby fever. But not baby fever in the sense that I want to get pregnant. The thought of pregnancy is still terrifying to me. I want to open my door tomorrow morning and find a beautiful cherub baby wrapped in a blanket. It seems like everywhere I go I see pregnant bellies and women with their new babies in tow. Just today I counted five pregnant women, five babies and one baby shower invitation in my mailbox. I can't look at a pregnant woman and feel joy anymore. I feel envy and fear. I am not envious of her baby, I am envious of her joy. I am sad that I will never again be a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I am fearful that something will go wrong with her pregnancy. I worry that her baby will die and I worry that she will be swallowed by grief.
Recently my daughter has been showing interest in where babies come from. She knew that I had babies in my tummy and she knows several other women that are currently pregnant. Not to mention she got to see a live birth of several baby lambs. She talks about babies being a Mommy's uterus and coming out "all messy". I talk to her about where she came from and try to explain how her brother and sister came out too little to live. The other day at my parents house she caught a few minutes of the show "Midwives". A women was delivering twins and having quite a difficult time. That night on our way home she talked about the birth, in toddler words, "Mommies have to work hard to push the baby out, it's hard work, they cry a lot". I wanted to explain that's it was okay, that even though it's hard work it's all worth it. But I couldn't. Sometimes you have to go through the hard work and your baby doesn't make it. I just told her yes, it is hard work to have a baby. Once again, I wished for the idea of the Stork.
I don't know if Gwenevere will ever decide to have children of her own. I hope if she does she gets to know the joy of a healthy, uneventful, blissfully ignorant pregnancy. I think every Mom deserves that. I also hope that she knows not to take a pregnancy for granted, to appreciate it for what it is, a miracle. I know she can't have it both ways. For now, I will continue to dream of the Stork. I know it's just as likely as Santa Claus landing on my roof this Christmas, but I can dream.
Lately I have had baby fever. But not baby fever in the sense that I want to get pregnant. The thought of pregnancy is still terrifying to me. I want to open my door tomorrow morning and find a beautiful cherub baby wrapped in a blanket. It seems like everywhere I go I see pregnant bellies and women with their new babies in tow. Just today I counted five pregnant women, five babies and one baby shower invitation in my mailbox. I can't look at a pregnant woman and feel joy anymore. I feel envy and fear. I am not envious of her baby, I am envious of her joy. I am sad that I will never again be a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I am fearful that something will go wrong with her pregnancy. I worry that her baby will die and I worry that she will be swallowed by grief.
Recently my daughter has been showing interest in where babies come from. She knew that I had babies in my tummy and she knows several other women that are currently pregnant. Not to mention she got to see a live birth of several baby lambs. She talks about babies being a Mommy's uterus and coming out "all messy". I talk to her about where she came from and try to explain how her brother and sister came out too little to live. The other day at my parents house she caught a few minutes of the show "Midwives". A women was delivering twins and having quite a difficult time. That night on our way home she talked about the birth, in toddler words, "Mommies have to work hard to push the baby out, it's hard work, they cry a lot". I wanted to explain that's it was okay, that even though it's hard work it's all worth it. But I couldn't. Sometimes you have to go through the hard work and your baby doesn't make it. I just told her yes, it is hard work to have a baby. Once again, I wished for the idea of the Stork.
I don't know if Gwenevere will ever decide to have children of her own. I hope if she does she gets to know the joy of a healthy, uneventful, blissfully ignorant pregnancy. I think every Mom deserves that. I also hope that she knows not to take a pregnancy for granted, to appreciate it for what it is, a miracle. I know she can't have it both ways. For now, I will continue to dream of the Stork. I know it's just as likely as Santa Claus landing on my roof this Christmas, but I can dream.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
There's An Elephant In The Room
Over the past several months I've noticed that some of my pregnant and new Mom friends have been awkward around me. It's like they feel guilty for their joy, or maybe they are just afraid to make me cry. I can't believe that I am a person that someone would feel uncomfortable around. Yes, I am the mother of two dead babies. It's awful, sad, depressing, I get it. It's not a fun subject to talk about, but it is my life. I love to talk about my son and daughter just as much as you like to talk about your pregnancy or how your newborn is the cutest little thing in the whole world. Some days the ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements and pregnant women complaining about being uncomfortable on facebook is almost too much for me to bear. But that is life. After a death the world doesn't stop turning for you to grieve. Some days I wish that it did but that's not the way it works.
It's a funny thing being around other Moms. I do feel jealous sometimes. Sometimes I want to cry, but that's okay. Let me cry if I need to. Don't hold back your joy in fear of upsetting me, let me be upset, I need to feel those feelings. I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding every pregnant woman and new baby. I would have very few friends left. But also understand if I don't feel up to attending your baby shower or holding your baby. Send me the invitation and let me choose what I am comfortable with and respect my decision.
I'm tired of having an elephant in the room wherever I go. I do appreciate others being sensitive of my feelings, but at a certain point it just feels like avoidance. If you don't know what to say to me or how to treat me that's okay. Just ask me how I'm doing. I want to be someone that isn't afraid to talk about the death of my children. I want to be able to cry when I need to and laugh when I want to. I want to be able to feel joy for others. I want people to know that I am still me, even though I've changed. I want to eventually have another pregnancy. When that times comes I know I will need all the support in the world.
It's a funny thing being around other Moms. I do feel jealous sometimes. Sometimes I want to cry, but that's okay. Let me cry if I need to. Don't hold back your joy in fear of upsetting me, let me be upset, I need to feel those feelings. I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding every pregnant woman and new baby. I would have very few friends left. But also understand if I don't feel up to attending your baby shower or holding your baby. Send me the invitation and let me choose what I am comfortable with and respect my decision.
I'm tired of having an elephant in the room wherever I go. I do appreciate others being sensitive of my feelings, but at a certain point it just feels like avoidance. If you don't know what to say to me or how to treat me that's okay. Just ask me how I'm doing. I want to be someone that isn't afraid to talk about the death of my children. I want to be able to cry when I need to and laugh when I want to. I want to be able to feel joy for others. I want people to know that I am still me, even though I've changed. I want to eventually have another pregnancy. When that times comes I know I will need all the support in the world.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Picture Project; Please Help!!
For a while now I have been trying to think of something special I can do in honor of my son and daughter, James and Penelope. I have considered releasing butterflies or doves, planting trees or making a scrapbook. I really want to have something that I can look at and remember them, but unfortunately I don't have many picture of them. I have come up with an idea of putting together a photo album hopefully with your help.
If you are willing to help, here is what I would like you to do. Please take a picture of something that reminds you of Penelope and James. It can be anything, even two seperate photos, one for each child. Maybe a butterfly, a flower, a building, a rock, a blanket, a drawing, an animal, an cloud, etc. Be creative, let them inspire you. You can either e-mail the picture or mail it to me (contact me for my address). I hope to have this album put together by their first birthday, August 19th 2013.
Thank you in advance for your help!
If you are willing to help, here is what I would like you to do. Please take a picture of something that reminds you of Penelope and James. It can be anything, even two seperate photos, one for each child. Maybe a butterfly, a flower, a building, a rock, a blanket, a drawing, an animal, an cloud, etc. Be creative, let them inspire you. You can either e-mail the picture or mail it to me (contact me for my address). I hope to have this album put together by their first birthday, August 19th 2013.
Thank you in advance for your help!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Bye Bye Betta, Betta Goodbye
Yesterday morning we had to say our final goodbyes to the newest member of the Fuerst family, Betta. I came downstairs and as I had been doing all week I immediately walked over to the fish bowl. I peered into the bowl and numbly declared. "He's dead, Betta's dead". Micah scoffed at me and assured me that he was sleeping. Last time I checked, fish don't sleep on their backs. I wasn't feeling quite ready to explain what had happened to Gwenevere, so we continued our morning routine as usual.
I had errands to run, but I thought it would be best to tell Gwenevere about her fish before I left the house. Micah and I sat down with her and I explained we had some sad news, her fish had died and gone to heaven. "Yeah!! Betta's in heaven!", she said. Hmmmm, not the reaction I was anticipating. I got ready to leave the house and told Micah he and Gwenevere could hold funeral services while I was gone.
While I was out I decided to stop by the Mom 2 Mom sale that was going on at the Ingham County fair grounds. Big mistake. I thought I could shop around a little and hopefully find some nice used books and maybe a few new toys for my daughter. I didn't realize that I was walking into a minefield of pregnant women and new moms. Since losing my twins at 23 weeks I have had a very difficult time with pregnant bellies and newborn babies. It's not that I don't think that other people should have healthy babies, I just feel jealous that they can have healthy babies and take it for granted. I wasn't at the giant garage sale for long before I ran into a friend that is pregnant with her second child. She could tell from the look on my face that I was struggling and asked if I was okay. I almost started to cry as I explained that I was a little overwhelmed and that our fish had also died that morning. I felt so silly, but my feelings were real. She listened and we chatted a bit, I walked away feeling a little better and I decided to find something fun for my daughter.
I left the sale with several Golden Books in my purse and a Little People airplane. As I was driving home I got a call from Micah explaining that the funeral had not gone well. When it was time for Betta's body to be flushed away and say the final goodbyes Gwenevere began to cry. She was inconsolable and she wanted her fishy to stay. By the time I got home she was fine and she was very excited about her new books. I didn't really know what to say to her about Betta. She brought him up occasionally as the day went on and we talked about how sometimes fish get sick and die. "He's in the potty now", she would say. That was tricky to explain. I told her that yes, his body went down the potty, but his little fish spirit was swimming up in heaven.
We haven't shed any tears today about Betta. His bowl still sits empty on the kitchen counter. Micah and I have contemplated a new fish, but I don't know if that sets a good example. When someone in our life dies we don't go out and get a replacement. James and Penelope are gone and they can never be replaced. We may have another child. But that child will be just that, another child. Number four in the Fuerst family, not replacing one of my children that is gone. So if we do decide to get another fish we will get a new separate fish. It will not be Betta, Betta can not be replaced.
I had errands to run, but I thought it would be best to tell Gwenevere about her fish before I left the house. Micah and I sat down with her and I explained we had some sad news, her fish had died and gone to heaven. "Yeah!! Betta's in heaven!", she said. Hmmmm, not the reaction I was anticipating. I got ready to leave the house and told Micah he and Gwenevere could hold funeral services while I was gone.
While I was out I decided to stop by the Mom 2 Mom sale that was going on at the Ingham County fair grounds. Big mistake. I thought I could shop around a little and hopefully find some nice used books and maybe a few new toys for my daughter. I didn't realize that I was walking into a minefield of pregnant women and new moms. Since losing my twins at 23 weeks I have had a very difficult time with pregnant bellies and newborn babies. It's not that I don't think that other people should have healthy babies, I just feel jealous that they can have healthy babies and take it for granted. I wasn't at the giant garage sale for long before I ran into a friend that is pregnant with her second child. She could tell from the look on my face that I was struggling and asked if I was okay. I almost started to cry as I explained that I was a little overwhelmed and that our fish had also died that morning. I felt so silly, but my feelings were real. She listened and we chatted a bit, I walked away feeling a little better and I decided to find something fun for my daughter.
I left the sale with several Golden Books in my purse and a Little People airplane. As I was driving home I got a call from Micah explaining that the funeral had not gone well. When it was time for Betta's body to be flushed away and say the final goodbyes Gwenevere began to cry. She was inconsolable and she wanted her fishy to stay. By the time I got home she was fine and she was very excited about her new books. I didn't really know what to say to her about Betta. She brought him up occasionally as the day went on and we talked about how sometimes fish get sick and die. "He's in the potty now", she would say. That was tricky to explain. I told her that yes, his body went down the potty, but his little fish spirit was swimming up in heaven.
We haven't shed any tears today about Betta. His bowl still sits empty on the kitchen counter. Micah and I have contemplated a new fish, but I don't know if that sets a good example. When someone in our life dies we don't go out and get a replacement. James and Penelope are gone and they can never be replaced. We may have another child. But that child will be just that, another child. Number four in the Fuerst family, not replacing one of my children that is gone. So if we do decide to get another fish we will get a new separate fish. It will not be Betta, Betta can not be replaced.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)