Even as a young child I thought the idea of the Stork was a ridiculous concept. Who ever came up with the idea that a bird would drop off a baby on your doorstep? Now, as an adult I can see the appeal. You just live your life and one day you open your door and BAM, you have a baby. I wish it was that easy.
Lately I have had baby fever. But not baby fever in the sense that I want to get pregnant. The thought of pregnancy is still terrifying to me. I want to open my door tomorrow morning and find a beautiful cherub baby wrapped in a blanket. It seems like everywhere I go I see pregnant bellies and women with their new babies in tow. Just today I counted five pregnant women, five babies and one baby shower invitation in my mailbox. I can't look at a pregnant woman and feel joy anymore. I feel envy and fear. I am not envious of her baby, I am envious of her joy. I am sad that I will never again be a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I am fearful that something will go wrong with her pregnancy. I worry that her baby will die and I worry that she will be swallowed by grief.
Recently my daughter has been showing interest in where babies come from. She knew that I had babies in my tummy and she knows several other women that are currently pregnant. Not to mention she got to see a live birth of several baby lambs. She talks about babies being a Mommy's uterus and coming out "all messy". I talk to her about where she came from and try to explain how her brother and sister came out too little to live. The other day at my parents house she caught a few minutes of the show "Midwives". A women was delivering twins and having quite a difficult time. That night on our way home she talked about the birth, in toddler words, "Mommies have to work hard to push the baby out, it's hard work, they cry a lot". I wanted to explain that's it was okay, that even though it's hard work it's all worth it. But I couldn't. Sometimes you have to go through the hard work and your baby doesn't make it. I just told her yes, it is hard work to have a baby. Once again, I wished for the idea of the Stork.
I don't know if Gwenevere will ever decide to have children of her own. I hope if she does she gets to know the joy of a healthy, uneventful, blissfully ignorant pregnancy. I think every Mom deserves that. I also hope that she knows not to take a pregnancy for granted, to appreciate it for what it is, a miracle. I know she can't have it both ways. For now, I will continue to dream of the Stork. I know it's just as likely as Santa Claus landing on my roof this Christmas, but I can dream.