Wednesday, January 9, 2013


It has been almost five months since I said hello and goodbye to James and Penelope.  My journey through grief has been slow and painful to say the least.  I don't know what I expected, but I had hoped I would be in a better place by now. I thought that as the months went by I would ease into a place of less pain. Instead of feeling better, I have been feeling worse lately.  The flashbacks at night as I lay in bed, the daily anxiety, irritability, crying jags and overwhelming sadness.  

Last month I saw my Doctor to talk about trying some medication to help.  She immediately said that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  I had never even thought of that as a possibility.  I thought PTSD was something that happened to veterans of war or rape victims.  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  In a matter of hours I went from being a happy, healthy pregnant lady to watching my newborn son and daughter die right in front of my eyes.  Of course I am traumatized.  

Now that I have a name for what I am experiencing I feel a sense of calm.  I know that these feelings are real and that they are there for a reason.  I also know that I can be helped through therapy and medication.  Next week I start a new method of therapy called EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.  It should help my brain process the trauma and develop better coping skills.  I will also be starting yoga classes next week in hopes that I can learn some relaxation and breathing techniques.  Later this month, I am attending a private working shop titled "Healing Birth Memories".  It is designed to help mothers cope with the memories of a traumatic birth.

Through these past five months I have learned something about myself.  I am a fighter.  I do not sit back and idly let bad things happen.  I jump in with both feet and take action.  Instead of accepting my fear and anxiety I am attacking it with every tool that I have access to.  I will not let this break me down, I will get through it and I will be a better person for it.

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