Several months before the death of my son & daughter, I was sure I would never be pregnant again. I remember vividly being 8 weeks pregnant with the twins, before I even knew I was having twins. I was so nauseated and tired that at night I would cry to Micah. I was excited to pregnant again, but I felt so awful that I would swear to my husband that "No matter what happens with this pregnancy, this is it. I can't go through this again!". At that time, it didn't matter to me if I gave birth to a healthy baby or not. I was unwilling to even entertain the possibility of putting myself through the torture of pregnancy sickness ever again. I remember thinking to myself that I already had one healthy child, that could be enough.
Not long after delivering James and Penelope I had a follow up appointment with my OB. She talked to me about how I was physically and emotionally recovering and went over my birth control options. Then she asked me a question that shocked me. She asked me how long I wanted to wait before trying to become pregnant again. I stammered to find an answer, and I replied that I didn't plan on getting pregnant again. She smiled at me and told me that I didn't have to make any decisions now. As I drove home from my appointment I felt angry. How could she assume that I would want to get pregnant again? How could I even think about having another child while I was in the wake of grief?
As the months have gone by my feelings have slowly shifted. I have begun to be more open to the idea of someday trying again. Am I ready to try again right now? Absolutely not. My husband and I have agreed to give ourselves time to grieve and heal from our tremendous loss. We set an arbitrary time line of sixteen months before we even entertain the idea of TTC. Until today, I wasn't even sure that I would ever desire another pregnancy.
Yesterday I got the crazy idea in my head that I could possibly be pregnant. Once the crazy seed was planted it bloomed into a full blown freak out tree that had me imagining going in for an ultrasound and discovering that I was indeed pregnant with triplets. To ease my mind I stopped at Walgreen's on my way home from my yoga class and I bought a three pack of pregnancy tests. I bought three tests under the assumption that this would not be the only time that I would need assurance that I was not pregnant. Before going to bed I set out one test next to the toilet so I would remember to take it in the morning.
This morning I woke up a little earlier than usual. Because I was now convinced that I was surely pregnant I sprang out of bed to take the test. I set the stick down on the counter and laid back in bed to wait for the required two minutes for it to process. As I laid there a shocking thought popped into my head. I hoped it was positive. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. I came to my senses and reminded myself that I am not ready yet. I walked back into the bathroom and glaring back at me were the words "Not Pregnant". I felt a sense of relief and disappointment wash over me. My conflicting emotions left me feeling confused.
As the day has gone on I have had time to process my thoughts. I don't really want to be pregnant right now. I do want to have another child, someday. My surprising reaction this morning was just a glimmer of my desire to bring home another healthy baby. For now I will continue to enjoy all of the one-on -one time with my amazing daughter. I will continue my journey through grief and allow my spirit and body to heal. I will enjoy the quality time with my husband. I will remember and honor the life and death of my son and daughter. I will settle into my new role of a mother to one living child and two children that are no longer with me. I will be open to the possibility of one day braving the treacherous 40 weeks, but not yet.