A Journey With No Destination

I told my husband today that I am tired.  I am tired of feeling sad, I am tired of missing my twins, I am tired of trying to hold myself together.  He reminded me that this journey really sucks because there is no end to it.  As time goes on yes, I will continue to feel better.  My heart will be lighter and the pain with be less intense.  I won't have to try so hard and I will cry less tears.  But the truth is that I will never stop missing Penelope and James.

Relatively speaking, I am not that far from my loss.  It has been 10 months since their death and on some days it feels like a lifetime away.  But it has not even been one year yet.  I look forward to years from now when I can look back and remember the good.  I can remember how amazing it was to carry twins for 22 weeks and feel them kicking inside me.  I can remember how much James and Penelope changed me for the better.  How they taught me to truly love and appreciate life.  They were a gift.  But right now, today, it is hard to see that gift.  It is a gift wrapped in layer after layer after layer of pain, tears, sorrow, and guilt.  It is a gift I have just begun to unwrap.

This week marked the arrival of a new baby into our family.  My sister in law gave birth to a baby girl.  I am incredibly happy for them and so excited to meet my new niece.  But this baby's arrival comes with mixed emotions for me.  It is a reminder that my last birth experience ended in death.  I want to go to the hospital and visit.  I want to hold this brand new life in my arms and breath in the sweet smell of newborn baby.  I know that I am not yet strong enough.  I will meet my niece in a few weeks when things have settled down.  I feel terrible that I can't pull it together enough to be there, I want to be okay.

I don't know when I will feel more joy than sorrow.  I don't know if it will change if and when I have another baby.  I don't know if I am forever jaded by my experience.   I hope not.  I have always loved babies, so much that I chose caring for them as my career until I became a stay at home mom.  Until then I will be as strong as I can be.  Babies are everywhere and they are so adorable that it's impossible to dislike them.  I will continue on my journey through grief, my journey with no destination.