I told my husband today that I am tired. I am tired of feeling sad, I am tired of missing my twins, I am tired of trying to hold myself together. He reminded me that this journey really sucks because there is no end to it. As time goes on yes, I will continue to feel better. My heart will be lighter and the pain with be less intense. I won't have to try so hard and I will cry less tears. But the truth is that I will never stop missing Penelope and James.
Relatively speaking, I am not that far from my loss. It has been 10 months since their death and on some days it feels like a lifetime away. But it has not even been one year yet. I look forward to years from now when I can look back and remember the good. I can remember how amazing it was to carry twins for 22 weeks and feel them kicking inside me. I can remember how much James and Penelope changed me for the better. How they taught me to truly love and appreciate life. They were a gift. But right now, today, it is hard to see that gift. It is a gift wrapped in layer after layer after layer of pain, tears, sorrow, and guilt. It is a gift I have just begun to unwrap.
This week marked the arrival of a new baby into our family. My sister in law gave birth to a baby girl. I am incredibly happy for them and so excited to meet my new niece. But this baby's arrival comes with mixed emotions for me. It is a reminder that my last birth experience ended in death. I want to go to the hospital and visit. I want to hold this brand new life in my arms and breath in the sweet smell of newborn baby. I know that I am not yet strong enough. I will meet my niece in a few weeks when things have settled down. I feel terrible that I can't pull it together enough to be there, I want to be okay.
I don't know when I will feel more joy than sorrow. I don't know if it will change if and when I have another baby. I don't know if I am forever jaded by my experience. I hope not. I have always loved babies, so much that I chose caring for them as my career until I became a stay at home mom. Until then I will be as strong as I can be. Babies are everywhere and they are so adorable that it's impossible to dislike them. I will continue on my journey through grief, my journey with no destination.