1st Grandson

My husband's side of the family has been rocking a baby girl streak for over three years now.  First was my niece Maris, then Gwenevere, then three more girls, then my stillborn niece Meah.  Not long after Meah was born still, my husband and I found out that the twins I were carrying were a girl and a boy!!  The girl streak was officially over, the first grandson was on his way.  Two months later the first grandson came into this world and quickly left.

Now, over one year later we've welcomed another niece into the world and this week came our first nephew.  Although he is our first nephew, he is not the first grandson.  My son James will always hold that title, even if my husband and I are the only ones to recognize it.  I knew that eventually someone in the family would have another boy, it was bound to happen.  I just didn't realize how much it would hurt.  

Micah and I will hopefully have another baby someday, and that baby may be a boy.  However, he will not be our first son, he will be our second.  I realize that I view my children in a different light than the rest of the family.  To me they are just as real as my living daughter.  I felt them kicking in my belly, gave birth to them, watched them wiggle in my arms and watched them die in my husbands arms.  Not many people got to see them alive, including everyone in my husband's family.  His parents were able to come visit us that night and hold our babies, but they were already gone.  To my husband's siblings and step siblings, James and Penelope are nothing more than pictures and ashes in matching heart urns.  I understand that to most people my babies are nothing but gone.

With these feeling of sadness come equal pangs of guilt.  Why can't I just be happy?!  Someone has brought another beautiful, healthy baby into this world and I just feel bitter.  I hate that this is the person that I am.  I am so tired of being the grieving mother, I just wish I could move on.  I knew from day one that this process of grieving would be the biggest challenge of my life, and some days I am just not up for it.  Today is one of those days.