** 10 weeks

When I was pregnant with my first daughter I was nothing but excited.  Even from weeks 6 to 12 when the morning sickness was in full gear I just couldn't wait to become a parent.  I nibbled on saltine crackers and apple slices feeling sick as a dog, but the whole time thinking "This is going to be so worth it in the end".  Boy was I right!  The day Gwenevere was born was perhaps the happiest day of my life.  All of that nausea and heartburn was definitely worth it.

Unfortunately with my twins I learned a hard lesson that sometimes it isn't worth it in the end.  When I was pregnant with them my morning sickness was literally twice as bad.  If I wasn't vomiting I was laying on the bathroom floor writhing with waves of nausea.  After two weeks of being unable to even care for my 1 year daughter I started taking prescription anti-nausea medication.  They helped enough.  I stopped vomiting but I still had constant nausea.  I was only able to eat apple slices, crackers and baby food purees of applesauce and pears (only with plastic spoons, because the metal taste made me gag).  Through it all I kept up my mantra "This is going to be so worth it in the end".  This time I had the anticipation of bringing home not just one baby, but two and I was trilled beyond belief.  Sadly, all I came home with from the hospital were flowers and two memory boxes filled with trinkets donated by volunteers.  In the end it was not worth it.

Now I find myself right in the midst of 1st trimester hell once again.  I am 10 weeks pregnant today, so I know if just a couple of short weeks the misery will be over.  I am once again on prescription anti nausea medication after being admitted to the hospital for dehydration.  I find myself wanting to go back to my mantra, but I can't.  I feel angry and bitter about this morning sickness.  I know that this could end in one of the happiest days of my life, or one of the saddest and I'm finding it hard to be optimistic.  I am ashamed to admit that the other day while crying I told my husband "I don't want to be pregnant".  It's not that I don't want this baby, I do.  It's just that I want to not be at this point.  Had our twins been born healthy and lived we would have been done having children.  I want to be there, not here.

I know that if we are able to make it to the end of this pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby I will fall so instantly and deeply in love all of this won't matter.  I will say that I would have been sick every day for a year if it meant having this baby.  I also know if this pregnancy doesn't result in a healthy baby my saddness and anger will just deepen.  I just don't know if I can handle that.  So while I can't really put my heart into it and believe, I will try.  "This is going to be so worth it in the end"!!