To the world I am a girl Mom. I have two beautiful daughters, ages one and five. I don't have Hot Wheels or superhero figurines in my home. Our toy shelves are overflowing with My Little Pony figurines, magic wands and stuffed animals. I don't know the pain of stepping on a lego, because my daughter has no interest in owning them. I am well practiced in washing, conditioning, brushing and styling hair. I have drawers full of hair accessories. When shopping I can't help but stop in the girls section to browse all of the adorable frilly dresses. I'm told by other parents that although my children may seem like a handful, they are nothing compared to boys. I can't possible understand the energy and wildness that little boys posses. My toilet seats are always down. Almost always, I do have a husband. I have never seen an episode of Star Wars: Clone Wars or Bob the Builder. I don't have any boys. Except I do.
I have always wanted a daughter. As much as I'd love to pretend that I didn't have a gender preference, I did. When I was pregnant with Gwenevere I secretly wished for a girl. We held a gender reveal party to announce to everyone, including ourselves, whether we were having a boy or a girl. As my husband and I cut into the cake I was chanting in my head "Please be pink, please be pink, please be pink". When the cake was in fact pink I cried tears of joy and relief. I was thrilled that I would indeed be having a girl. I know girls. I grew up with a sister. All of my best friends have been females. I love all things girly. I don't know what to do with a boy.
When we went in for our ultrasound with our twins my husband and I agreed ahead of time that we would want to find out the baby's genders. This time I was a little more open to the idea of a son. I just wasn't sure I could handle two boys. So I went in hoping for at least one girl. When the ultrasound technician announced that we were having one boy and one girl I was ecstatic. I would be getting another daughter as well as son. I would have two girls and a boy. I could do this.
With Victoria I can honestly say that I had no gender preference. I was so worried that I may never bring home another living baby that boy vs. girl didn't even enter my mind. We found out at 14 weeks that Victoria was a girl. I felt conflicted. I was happy at the prospect of bringing home another daughter. But knowing that this was our last baby, I felt sad that I would never bring home a son. Then I felt guilty. I should just be happy that our baby is healthy so far.
Now that both of my girls are here I am getting used to being a girl Mom. But I still yearn to be a boy Mom. I wonder what my family would look like? How different would it be? What is that Mother Son bond like that I hear so much about?
I am not disappointed that Victoria is a girl. I love having two girls, and she is a wonderful addition to our family. I will just always wonder what life would be like as a boy Mom.