In the 5 years since the birth and death of my twins it feels like a lifetime has gone by. The day that they were born and died a part of me died with them. I've spent these 5 years becoming a new me and let me tell you, change is hard. I am still getting comfortable being a Mom of children that died. I have made choices that have shaped who I am now and still growing into. I have continued to speak my son and daughter's name despite the sometimes uncomfortable silence or loud disapproval. I have braved a terrifying pregnancy in the hopes of bringing one more living child into our family. I have fought tirelessly through depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have loved fiercely and unapologetically. James and Penelope will always be my children.
Tomorrow is their 5th birthday. Five years gone. Words can't explain how much a mother's heart aches for her children after death. There is an emptiness. A tight, aching emptiness. But life goes on. Most days now are filled with laughter and joy. The sun rises and sets everyday. My living children fill my heart with so much joy that sometimes it feels like I might burst. That is the fickle opposition of grief. Joy and sadness, all wrapped up in one neat package.
Tomorrow we will do what we do every year. Celebrate and remember the children that never got to come home. Cake, birthday cards, balloons. I wish I could do more. My love for them is so much bigger than that. But I know that all that matters is that I know they were here, and they were loved. As long as I am living they will not be forgotten. To everyone that remembers them with me. Thank you. Thank you for your love and support over these past 5 years. It truly means the world to me.
Penelope and James- Happy 5th Birthday. You are so incredibly loved, today and always.
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