Triggers

One week from today will be the three month mark from the day that Penelope and James were born and died.  I really can't believe that much time has gone by.  I know that when you have a baby people always tell you "It goes by so fast".  I guess that's just as true when your baby doesn't come home with you.  It really seems like yesterday that Micah and I were driving home from the hospital, silent, tearful and trying to make sense of it all.
These days are a mixed bag.  I am still full of grief and I miss my son and daughter every day.  I also have an amazing toddler to care for.  To help me cope with my loss I have thrown all of my energy into taking care of my beautiful daughter.  I spend my time away from her planning educational activities and enriching life experiences. When I am with her we go on play dates, reading time at the library, exploring at the science museum, art projects at home, sorting & counting, singing and playing.  I pour the energy I have into raising this child.  Putting all of my energy into Gwenevere doesn't leave me with much time for crying and moping.
Even with my busy days I still find myself overcome at times with grief.  Sometimes it's just a passing thought, other times I break down crying.  Gwenevere has become very good at recognizing my sadness and offering hugs, "Mommy crying, sad".
Although I try to hold it all together I never know what will be a trigger for me.  This weekend it was seeing a set of boy girl twins at the museum.  They were about three years old and adorable.  I wanted to cry,  I wanted to take the Mom aside and tell her how lucky she was, I wanted to hug the kids, I wanted them to leave so I didn't have to see this painful reminder.  I never used to notice twins.  I'm sure they have always been around, but I never noticed them.  Now, wherever I go there seem to be twins.  I can't look past them anymore.
Last night I was flipping through shows on Netflix.  I stumbled upon Teen Mom 2 and decided to watch.  By the end of the first episode I found myself crying.  I couldn't help but wonder why these Moms deserved to have their children with them and I didn't.  These people can barely take care of themselves, let alone a child.  I know the world doesn't work that way.  Bad things happen to good people and life isn't fair.  That doesn't mean I can't be angry about it once in a while.
While Gwenevere is sometimes the glue that is holding me together, she can also be a trigger.  I see how far she has come, all that she can do, all that she has learned and it makes me sad.  James and Penelope will never get to experience all that Gwenevere does.  They will never get to snuggle in bed with us and read goodnight stories.  They will never say their first words or take their first steps.  They will never have a tantrum in Meijer and embarrass me.  They will never give me a hug when I am sad.
I try very hard to stay positive.  I have one living child.  She is amazing and more than I ever could have hoped for.  I am lucky.  Some people never know the joy of giving birth to a healthy baby and watching them grow up.  I have this privilege that is parenthood.  I am a Mom and for that I am grateful.  I just wish that I could be a Mom to all three of my children.  But, because I can't I will continue to be the best Mom I can be Gwenevere and remind myself how blessed I am to have her in my life.