I am anxiously waiting for the first time I have to answer the dreaded question; "Is she your first?". I guess the answer is yes, Gwenevere is my first child. However, she is not my only child. The question is always asked with the best intentions. Usually just another Mom striking up a conversation. It is a question that I don't think I'll ever ask a stranger again.
For any parent that has been through the loss of a pregnancy or child it is a loaded question. If you answer politely and say yes you feel like you are not respecting your dead children. If you answer honestly and explain your complicated family it makes for a pretty awkward moment. It was recommended to me that I have a standard answer prepared for when it comes up. That way I'm not caught off guard. I plan on saying, "She is my only living child". If someone wants to ask follow up questions they can, and if not that's okay too. I can't imagine pretending like Penelope and James never existed, even to a stranger at the grocery store. They are just as much a part of our family as any of us. The only difference is that they are not with us.
I am proud to be the mother of James & Penelope, even though I only got to fill that role for a very short time. I was present from the moment they were born to the moment they died. I didn't miss a breath or heartbeat or movement. Their entire life was spent in the loving arms of their Mom & Dad. Not many parents can say that.
I too dread that question every time it's asked. For me it's "Is this your first baby?" Or, "Is this your first pregnancy?" I've been asked so many times, and yet I'm still somehow caught off guard every time it's asked. I usually answer "It's my first one to make it this far." And then, like you said, leave it up to them if they want to ask more or leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteAnother question I now know not to ask anyone that has a child already is "When do you plan to have another?" I know too many people who have lost their 2nd baby, or who are struggling with secondary infertility, and that is such a painful (and personal) question to have to answer.
I love the perspective that you were with James and Penelope every moment of their lives. It's a beautiful truth and they were blessed to be surrounded by so much love during their short lives.
Emily, I think that is an appropriate answer. I also agree that "When do you plan to have another?" is not a good question. I had someone ask me "When are you going to pop another one out?" just weeks after my miscarriage last year. I was dumb struck and just mumbled that I wasn't sure.
DeleteOn a side note, I am very excited for you to meet your little boy! Although I harbor quite a bit of jealousy for many pregnant women, you are "on my team" so to speak and I couldn't be happier for you! I look forward to seeing pictures on fb.
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ReplyDeleteI think we all have questions that sting us. I still randomly run into people who are expecting to see me with 2 children. Say what you feel is right. When it hurts less and/or if you want to modify it.... do that. When I was asked where Leah's twin was (assuming with Joe or something) I simply said "they both didn't make it to full term." But I don't know what I would say to a stranger in the grocery store....
ReplyDeleteBecky,
DeleteIt is hard when your confronted with your loss, it's just an unnecessary painful reminder. As far as strangers go, it's just what you feel comfortable with. I am certainly not going to explain my whole story to a stranger (oh, I had a miscarriage followed by a twin pregnancy and they both died at birth...). So whatever you feel okay saying is perfectly fine.
Part of me just wants to be honest so that the person learns a lesson not to ask questions that could be hurtful. Although, I know they are asking out of kindness.