Sunday, October 28, 2012

Guilt & Blame

As humans we are always looking for answers.  What is our purpose?  Why does it always rain after you wash your car?  I find it to be added heartache not knowing why my son & daughter were taken from me.  This is a question that I have asked over and over to myself and to my OB and one that I will never get an answer to.

In the medical world preterm labor is as mysterious as it is devistating.  With all the medical advances that have been made over the years they still seem to have no real idea as to why it happens or how to stop it.  I find that unacceptable.  While doing my own research online I have discovered several suspected causes; smoking, lack of prenatal care, multiple pregnancy, and undetected infection.  I didn't smoke during my pregnancy, I had consistent prenatal care and there appeared to be no infection present.  My only risk factor was a multiple pregnancy.  At my last OB appointment before I went into labor I was measuring at 31 weeks and I was 22 weeks pregnant.  I found this shocking, but the Dr. assured me that this was normal for a twin pregnancy, so I went on with my day.  I never thought that one week later I would be in labor.

I find myself replaying the days and weeks leading up to their birth over and over in my head.  Maybe I walked too much.  Maybe I shouldn't have air traveled.  Maybe keeping up with Gwenevere and cleaning the house was too much.  Maybe my OB should have been checking my cervix more frequently.  Maybe I should have drank more water.  Maybe I should have drank less water.  Maybe I was too stressed.  Maybe I should have been on partial bedrest.  Maybe I should have gone to the hospital the night before.  There are so many what ifs.

It is impossible for me to just let it go.  I want an answer, I want to place blame.  As a parent it is so easy for me to place the blame on myself.  It was my body that began having the contractions that forced James & Penelope into this world too early.  Why couldn't I do something?  At times I blame the medical staff at Sparrow hospital.  If only they would have started me on the Magnesium Sulfate several hours earlier maybe we could have stopped labor.  Sometimes I blame the medical community.  Why hasn't there been more research done on preterm labor treatment, why is it still such a mystery?  Sometimes I blame my family.  Why didn't they do more to help my during my pregnancy, why did they let me be so physically active?  In reality I know that I have no one to blame.  Nobody could have predicted that a perfectly healthy pregnancy could go so wrong.  I had already carried one wonderful baby to term with no problems, so why not assume that I could carry twins.

I still catch myself occasionally playing the blame game.  It's so hard not too.  Hopefully I will eventually come to peace with it.  I will be able to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and nobody knows why.  My darling son and daughter were here and gone and I am left wondering why.

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