Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of the birth and death of my precious son and daughter. I honestly can't believe that much time has passed. When you are stuck in grief it's hard to see that the world keeps turning despite your loss. As the weeks have gone by, I have felt the heaviness in my heart become lighter. I cry less often and the pain seems less intense. However, the past few days I seem to have found myself in a dark place once again.
I am irritable with my family, impatient with Gwenevere and bitter at the world around me. Seeing happy families makes me jealous and angry. I envy people that get to come home to their complete family, whatever that is for them. I hate that this is who I have become. I like to think that when friends and family think of me they would describe me as a happy person. I am not that happy person right now. I can still smile and laugh, but on the inside it's just empty and sad.
With the holiday season quickly aproaching I have a sense of dread. This Christmas I will be buying gifts for only one of my three children. Our mantle will only have three stockings hanging from it. I want to just crawl into a corner and wait for the holidays to pass. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to open presents, I want to have my son and daughter home safe with their Mom, Dad, and Sister.
I've been told by others that have also lost a baby that it does get better. I believe this to be true, it must get better. If it doesn't get better I don't know how any parent could survive. Most women have said that the first year is the worst. Every special day or holiday that goes by that should have been your child's first is just a painful reminder that they are not here. Well, I am two months down, ten more to go. I know I won't magically feel better in August, but I hope that by then the pain will have gradually lifted. Maybe I will be able once again feel truly happy and laugh with sincerity.
For now I am focused on coping with the pain. It is real and a part of my life for now. I accept that I will never forget my sweet James and Penelope, but I hold onto the hope that I will come to terms with their death. This week may be a difficult one, but next week may be better. The journey I am on is a bumpy road. It is not a smooth path from sadness to acceptance. I know I will have bad days and good days. Even though today is a bad day, I will get through it.