Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of the birth and death of my precious son and daughter. I honestly can't believe that much time has passed. When you are stuck in grief it's hard to see that the world keeps turning despite your loss. As the weeks have gone by, I have felt the heaviness in my heart become lighter. I cry less often and the pain seems less intense. However, the past few days I seem to have found myself in a dark place once again.
I am irritable with my family, impatient with Gwenevere and bitter at the world around me. Seeing happy families makes me jealous and angry. I envy people that get to come home to their complete family, whatever that is for them. I hate that this is who I have become. I like to think that when friends and family think of me they would describe me as a happy person. I am not that happy person right now. I can still smile and laugh, but on the inside it's just empty and sad.
With the holiday season quickly aproaching I have a sense of dread. This Christmas I will be buying gifts for only one of my three children. Our mantle will only have three stockings hanging from it. I want to just crawl into a corner and wait for the holidays to pass. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to open presents, I want to have my son and daughter home safe with their Mom, Dad, and Sister.
I've been told by others that have also lost a baby that it does get better. I believe this to be true, it must get better. If it doesn't get better I don't know how any parent could survive. Most women have said that the first year is the worst. Every special day or holiday that goes by that should have been your child's first is just a painful reminder that they are not here. Well, I am two months down, ten more to go. I know I won't magically feel better in August, but I hope that by then the pain will have gradually lifted. Maybe I will be able once again feel truly happy and laugh with sincerity.
For now I am focused on coping with the pain. It is real and a part of my life for now. I accept that I will never forget my sweet James and Penelope, but I hold onto the hope that I will come to terms with their death. This week may be a difficult one, but next week may be better. The journey I am on is a bumpy road. It is not a smooth path from sadness to acceptance. I know I will have bad days and good days. Even though today is a bad day, I will get through it.
I have struggled so much with bitterness over the last few years, and like you said, I too hate who I have become. Even while pregnant, I still look at others and think, "Why have you never had to go through this pain? Why do you get to keep all of your babies and have it be so easy?" Or I look at friends who are on child #2 or #3 since we first started trying, and it hurts to think we should be in the same place. Yet, I know it's a natural part of the cycles of grief and we have to not be too hard on ourselves. Still, it's so painful to see others around you get to have what you had to lose. I don't know how that WOULDN'T be painful. I'm so sorry, Krista, though those words seem so inadequate. I know our losses are not at all the same, and I'm not saying I understand how you are feeling. I guess I just want you to know that I get how hard it is to not like what grief has done to you. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, when I was still innocent to what losing a pregnancy felt like. I miss that happy girl who felt so hopeful about the future, and I wish I could get her back. I know my family wishes they could get her back too. But this is who I am now, and I think in some ways I've come to terms with that. I appreciate some things much more than I ever would have before. I love differently. I am trying to learn how to once again be truly happy and hopeful, though most days I fail. We just do the best we can, and try to rest in knowing time will help heal the worst of the heartache, though of course James and Penelope will always be a part of you and your life story. They will always be your children, and they will always be loved and missed. I do believe though, that with enough time, loving them and thinking of them won't be quite as painful as it is right now. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that can ease the grief... and time can be slow.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays will be hard, but hopefully seeing the joy of your daughter will at least in some small way help bring you moments of peace and happiness. But if not, that's ok too. You just have to get through one day at a time, right? I'm praying lots for you guys and will continue to do so. Hugs.
Emily,
DeleteThank you for sharing your feelings of bitterness and anger. I feel terrible that I have those feelings, but I'm glad that I'm not alone. It's hard to get to know the "new" me, especially because I don't like all of what that entails.
Gwenevere does bring me some peace, but sadness as well. It's so hard to explain. I don't know how I would get through this loss without her, but many times I feel so emotionally exhausted that I feel like I'm being a bad Mom. I also see all that she is doing every day and I cry because I know Penelope and James will never get the same opportunity.
I will continue to take it one day at a time, which sometimes is still too much. Thank you for your prayers and virtual hugs :)