Sunday, October 14, 2012

Even On a Good Day

Some days are bad.  Those are the days that I am listless, irritable, weepy and sad.  I cry after I put Gwenevere down for her nap and I allow myself to feel the deep pain from the loss of my son and daughter.  I see people post pregnancy and new baby pictures on facebook and I block their posts.  Their joy just adds to my pain.  I will never again be excited at the sight of a positive pregnancy test, I will be fearful.  On the bad days I am angry.  I am angry at my body for not allowing my babies to live.  I am angry at the world for not grinding to a halt to allow me to grieve.  I am angry at the hospital for not doing more to save my babies.  But mostly, I am just lost.

Other days are good.  I laugh with my family.  I enjoy watching my daughter grow and learn and I enjoy the quiet time with my husband.  I dance, and play, and smile.  Sometimes the good days are the hardest.  I realize at the end of day that I am only tucking in one of my three children.  Gwenevere gets a goodnight kiss and I lay her in her crib with her blankets and I tell her how much I love her.  Then I walk into the other bedroom and gently place my hands on James and Penelope's urns.  They are cold to the touch.  I say goodnight and tell them how much I love them. 

As the weeks go by since I said goodbye to my son and daughter I have more good days.  I find myself able to get through a whole day without crying at times.  This isn't because I have forgotten them or moved on.  It's the process of grief.  I know I will always have bad days.  As time goes on they will be fewer and far between.  I also know that I will never have a day that I don't miss James and Penelope.  They are a part of our family.  Most of my days will be good days, but even on a good day I am still missing two of my children.

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