Over the past several months I've noticed that some of my pregnant and new Mom friends have been awkward around me. It's like they feel guilty for their joy, or maybe they are just afraid to make me cry. I can't believe that I am a person that someone would feel uncomfortable around. Yes, I am the mother of two dead babies. It's awful, sad, depressing, I get it. It's not a fun subject to talk about, but it is my life. I love to talk about my son and daughter just as much as you like to talk about your pregnancy or how your newborn is the cutest little thing in the whole world. Some days the ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements and pregnant women complaining about being uncomfortable on facebook is almost too much for me to bear. But that is life. After a death the world doesn't stop turning for you to grieve. Some days I wish that it did but that's not the way it works.
It's a funny thing being around other Moms. I do feel jealous sometimes. Sometimes I want to cry, but that's okay. Let me cry if I need to. Don't hold back your joy in fear of upsetting me, let me be upset, I need to feel those feelings. I can't spend the rest of my life avoiding every pregnant woman and new baby. I would have very few friends left. But also understand if I don't feel up to attending your baby shower or holding your baby. Send me the invitation and let me choose what I am comfortable with and respect my decision.
I'm tired of having an elephant in the room wherever I go. I do appreciate others being sensitive of my feelings, but at a certain point it just feels like avoidance. If you don't know what to say to me or how to treat me that's okay. Just ask me how I'm doing. I want to be someone that isn't afraid to talk about the death of my children. I want to be able to cry when I need to and laugh when I want to. I want to be able to feel joy for others. I want people to know that I am still me, even though I've changed. I want to eventually have another pregnancy. When that times comes I know I will need all the support in the world.
Krista, I hope that when that time does come you are blessed with more love and support than you could ever imagine... and I also hope you feel that love and support now too, when you need it just as badly. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI also just noticed some new photos of James and Penelope down below (or maybe I couldn't see them on my old computer?). Thank you for sharing those! There is just so much love evident on your faces, and the twins are so incredibly beautiful and perfect. These pictures are heart-breakingly beautiful.
Love and hugs to you,
E
Thank you so much for your ongoing support Emily! I do feel the support from so many people and it is just wonderful!
DeleteI'm glad you enjoyed the pictures of Penelope and James. Those are the only pictures we have of them being held by us, I really wish we had a picture of us all together as a family. Of course at the time we were too overwhelmed with grief to pose for photos. I treasure the pictures we have so much and I am happy to share them :)
I'm glad you have the pictures you do! What precious, perfect little souls. And so incredibly loved.
DeleteYou inspire me as a mother, Krista! Your love for all three of your children is so very strong and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this journey.