Moving Forward

When you lose someone you love there is no going back.  No matter how many times I wished and prayed it was all a terrible dream, my babies were still gone.  Since there is no going back, one might assume that you move forward, through the grief.  This is not always true.  Many days I have been at a standstill.  Stuck in the deep pit of despair.  The thought of moving forward is sometimes terrifying.  There is a deep sense of guilt that if I move forward I am letting go.  The last thing I want to do is forget about my son and daughter, they will always be a part of me.  However, I know that I can't live my whole life in such intense pain.  

Moving forward through grief is a very delicate process, one that I have just begun to experience.  It has been one year since my babies came and went.  Most of this past year has been spent in survival mode.  I have relied heavily on routine and keeping busy, afraid if I stop to think I will break down.  I have no shame in crying, but it can be physically and emotionally draining.  While I slowly takes steps forward, moving away from the pit of despair, I have to proceed with caution.  I have many fears.  I worry that my memories will fade, that my love will fade, that I will move too quickly and fall backwards.  As I leave survival mode I begin to come to terms with my new identity.  I am not a freshly grief stricken parent anymore.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a stay at home mom, a friend.

My husband and I have recently discussed the idea of trying to have another child.  Just the discussion alone brought up so many negative feeling for me.  Mostly I felt angry.  I should not be having this discussion, we should be done having children.  I have given birth to three children and that is enough.  I don't want to go through the stress and anxiety that another pregnancy will bring.  I want all of my children here with me.  I know I will never be able to replace my son and daughter and I worry that having another child will feel that way.  But I also want to have another living child.  I want to have a healthy baby that I can nurse, snuggle, change diapers, bathe, and love.  I want Gwenevere to have a living sibling, one that she can play and fight with.  I want to see my husband as a new father again.  I want to see my parents with a new grandchild.  I want to go through the whole nine months of pregnancy.  I want to feel baby kicks, heartburn, exaustion, and excitement.

I am so thankful every day that James and Penelope are part of our family.  They have changed me in ways I could have never imagined.  I see the impact that they have had on our family and friends and it warms my heart.  I move forward knowing that they will never be forgotten.  They are forever a part of me and a part of you.