When you lose someone you love there is no going back. No matter how many times I wished and prayed it was all a terrible dream, my babies were still gone. Since there is no going back, one might assume that you move forward, through the grief. This is not always true. Many days I have been at a standstill. Stuck in the deep pit of despair. The thought of moving forward is sometimes terrifying. There is a deep sense of guilt that if I move forward I am letting go. The last thing I want to do is forget about my son and daughter, they will always be a part of me. However, I know that I can't live my whole life in such intense pain.
Moving forward through grief is a very delicate process, one that I have just begun to experience. It has been one year since my babies came and went. Most of this past year has been spent in survival mode. I have relied heavily on routine and keeping busy, afraid if I stop to think I will break down. I have no shame in crying, but it can be physically and emotionally draining. While I slowly takes steps forward, moving away from the pit of despair, I have to proceed with caution. I have many fears. I worry that my memories will fade, that my love will fade, that I will move too quickly and fall backwards. As I leave survival mode I begin to come to terms with my new identity. I am not a freshly grief stricken parent anymore. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a stay at home mom, a friend.
My husband and I have recently discussed the idea of trying to have another child. Just the discussion alone brought up so many negative feeling for me. Mostly I felt angry. I should not be having this discussion, we should be done having children. I have given birth to three children and that is enough. I don't want to go through the stress and anxiety that another pregnancy will bring. I want all of my children here with me. I know I will never be able to replace my son and daughter and I worry that having another child will feel that way. But I also want to have another living child. I want to have a healthy baby that I can nurse, snuggle, change diapers, bathe, and love. I want Gwenevere to have a living sibling, one that she can play and fight with. I want to see my husband as a new father again. I want to see my parents with a new grandchild. I want to go through the whole nine months of pregnancy. I want to feel baby kicks, heartburn, exaustion, and excitement.
I am so thankful every day that James and Penelope are part of our family. They have changed me in ways I could have never imagined. I see the impact that they have had on our family and friends and it warms my heart. I move forward knowing that they will never be forgotten. They are forever a part of me and a part of you.