Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Am I Crazy?

This week I met with the Perinatologist (high risk pregnancy Doctor) for a preconception consultation.  I sat down in his office with my short list of questions.  There was really only one pressing question that I knew he wouldn't be able to answer.  Should I really try this again?  He went over my charts and began to discuss with me the possible causes for the loss of my twins.  Cervical deficiency, preterm labor, infection, all possibilities.  Not really knowing what the cause was, it is difficult to choose a path for a future pregnancy.
He drew pictures, made charts and answered all of my questions.  As I left the office he said "I'm sure we'll see you soon"!  I am not so sure.

Since the moment I gave birth to my first child I have known that I wanted another.  Even while in labor I kept saying "Next time we should...".  I have always pictured my family with two or three children.  I understand the one child family, I grew up as an only child for 9 years and I have no complaints.  But it is hard for me to temper my desire to have another baby to love and watch grow up.  I also know that giving birth is not my only choice.  There is adoption, a choice that I have considered.  Unfortunately the financial and emotional toll to go through the adoption process in not a possibility for my family right now.  There is also the option of finding a surrogate, once again very costly.  There are many reasons for me wanting to try again.  But mostly, I'm not ready to give up my dream.  My dream of carrying a baby through 9 months of pregnancy, giving birth and bringing a healthy baby home from the hospital.  I also know that there are no guarantees with any pregnancy.  It is always a gamble.

As the Perinatalogist explained, I may have no problems with another pregnancy.  I may be able to carry a baby to term without a hitch.  However, something could go wrong again.  I keep weighing my options, trying to decide what the best decision is for me and my family.  I know that my husband is on board with whatever I want to do.  I am so lucky to have his support.  I also know that he is scared.  Not only did he suffer the loss of his son and daughter, but he had to watch his wife unravel with no way to help.  I think he is not only afraid of losing another child, he is afraid of losing me.  I have come back from my son and daughter's death, but I don't know if I could come back from the loss of another child. 

Throughout this decision making process I keep wondering if I am crazy to even think about trying again.  Maybe my body is done, maybe this isn't going to work.  But I don't want to give into the fear.  I might be crazy, but if there is a chance that I can bring home a healthy baby I have to try.  I am filled with fear, which is not a great way to start.  I want so badly to be the blissfully ignorant person I was when I got pregnant with Gwenevere.  I read the books, I knew things could go wrong, but I never thought it would happen to me.  Now I know I will never feel the same way looking at a positive pregnancy test.  It used to mean "I'm going to have a baby"!!!!!, now it just means "I'm pregnant".

When we will start this next leg in our journey we don't yet know.  I know one thing though, I will not wait to announce my pregnancy.  I will need all the good thoughts and prayers that I can get!  If I have to be paranoid and anxious for 9 months, everyone else around me should share the burden as well.  I have learned from my 1st trimester miscarriage that keeping a pregnancy and loss a secret does not make the healing process any easier, it makes it harder.  I can't imagine where I would be without the endless love and support I have received.  The kindness from family, friends and acquaintances means more to me than I can say.  Knowing that support system is there helps give me the strength to think about trying again, even if it's a little bit crazy.

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