Thursday, March 13, 2014

The Future

What I wouldn't do for a crystal ball right now.  I would love to look ahead and see what my life will look like in five or ten years.  I want to know what my family will look like.  So much of my stress and anxiety is spent worrying and wondering what direction my life is heading.  Will I ever have another healthy baby again?

If the answer is yes, I could rejoice.  I could relax and celebrate in knowing that we will once again experience the miracle of giving birth to a healthy beautiful baby.  I could relish these last few months/years of having my daughter as my only child.  Truly engaging in my life as it is and enjoying every moment.  I could stop the constant worry and wondering if she is it.  I could breath a sigh of relief and relax.  I could move forward with my life.

If the answer is no, I could handle that.  I could grieve a little bit more and start to focus on enjoying my family of three.  I could really spend every moment just enjoying where we are and taking in everything.  I could stop wondering when I ovulated and when I should take a pregnancy test.  I could prepare myself for mothering an only child and stop worrying about how old she'll be when we bring a new baby home.  I could plan trips, big trips.  Not having to wonder if I might be pregnant and if I'll be on bed rest.  I could give away our enormous stock pile of baby gear.  Empty the nursery and turn it into a reading room.  I could drink wine whenever I wanted to and not worry if I am maybe 3-4 weeks pregnant.  I could move forward with my life.

Instead I am stuck in the wondering.  In my mind I am constantly bouncing back and forth between two people.  The person that will once again welcome a baby into our family and the person that has to accept that our family is complete.  I know there is no real reason to believe that I will not be able to have another baby.  I have done it once, very successfully in my opinion.  I carried a baby to 39 weeks with no problems.  But it's so hard to forget the other pregnancies.  The three pregnancies, four babies that ended with empty arms and tears.

1 comment:

  1. I have said this same thing so many times. I WISH we could see just that one glimpse into the future so the present wouldn't have to be quite so stressful. It would help with the worry and anxiety... I often tell my husband how much I look forward to the day when TTC is no longer such a huge stresser in my life and I can go back to living like "normal" human being who doesn't obsess over how my body is functioning (or not functioning, more often than not). I want to train for marathons and take vacations and drink wine to my heart's content, just as you said (I added the marathon bit b/c I love running but can't do it while pregnant or even possibly pregnant, since that's how my first miscarriage starts and it freaks me out now). I know it was probably just a coincidence, but still... just one more thing on my brain, taking away from just enjoying the current moment. Just know you're not alone, my friend! It's a difficult place to be in, it's true, and yet you won't be stuck here forever. I am praying for you guys every day! Hugs and good vibes coming your way (and sorry for the crazy-long comment here). Ha.