What I wouldn't do for a crystal ball right now. I would love to look ahead and see what my life will look like in five or ten years. I want to know what my family will look like. So much of my stress and anxiety is spent worrying and wondering what direction my life is heading. Will I ever have another healthy baby again?
If the
answer is yes, I could rejoice. I could relax and celebrate in knowing
that we will once again experience the miracle of giving birth to a
healthy beautiful baby. I could relish these last few months/years of
having my daughter as my only child. Truly engaging in my life as it is and enjoying every moment. I could stop the constant worry
and wondering if she is it. I could breath a sigh of relief and relax.
I could move forward with my life.
If the answer is no, I could handle that. I could grieve a little bit more and start to focus on enjoying my family of three. I could really spend every moment just enjoying where we are and taking in everything. I could stop wondering when I ovulated and when I should take a pregnancy test. I could prepare myself for mothering an only child and stop worrying about how old she'll be when we bring a new baby home. I could plan trips, big trips. Not having to wonder if I might be pregnant and if I'll be on bed rest. I could give away our enormous stock pile of baby gear. Empty the nursery and turn it into a reading room. I could drink wine whenever I wanted to and not worry if I am maybe 3-4 weeks pregnant. I could move forward with my life.
Instead I am stuck in the wondering. In my mind I am constantly bouncing back and forth between two people. The person that will once again welcome a baby into our family and the person that has to accept that our family is complete. I know there is no real reason to believe that I will not be able to have another baby. I have done it once, very successfully in my opinion. I carried a baby to 39 weeks with no problems. But it's so hard to forget the other pregnancies. The three pregnancies, four babies that ended with empty arms and tears.
I have said this same thing so many times. I WISH we could see just that one glimpse into the future so the present wouldn't have to be quite so stressful. It would help with the worry and anxiety... I often tell my husband how much I look forward to the day when TTC is no longer such a huge stresser in my life and I can go back to living like "normal" human being who doesn't obsess over how my body is functioning (or not functioning, more often than not). I want to train for marathons and take vacations and drink wine to my heart's content, just as you said (I added the marathon bit b/c I love running but can't do it while pregnant or even possibly pregnant, since that's how my first miscarriage starts and it freaks me out now). I know it was probably just a coincidence, but still... just one more thing on my brain, taking away from just enjoying the current moment. Just know you're not alone, my friend! It's a difficult place to be in, it's true, and yet you won't be stuck here forever. I am praying for you guys every day! Hugs and good vibes coming your way (and sorry for the crazy-long comment here). Ha.
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